“Nice” is a word that gets thrown around a lot, especially in coaching. But over the years, I’ve realised that being “nice” doesn’t always equate to being a good person. In fact, “nice” can sometimes mask deeper issues like people-pleasing, lack of boundaries, and a diminished sense of self-worth.
What does “nice” even mean? Often, it’s being agreeable, avoiding conflict, and putting others first—even when it leaves you drained or feeling unappreciated. I’ve seen it time and time again: the “nice” person who says everything is “fine.” And we all know what “fine” often stands for—F***ing Incapable of Normal Expression. It’s a way to smooth things over, to avoid saying what we really feel. You might also hear people use “fine” as shorthand for “Feelings I Never Express,” or even “Fearful, Insecure, Needy, and Empty.” These labels paint a picture of someone who suppresses their true self just to be seen as nice.
Being a *good* person, however, goes beyond being nice or saying things are fine. It involves a balance between considering others and standing up for yourself. It means having boundaries, knowing when to say no, and doing what’s right, even if it’s uncomfortable. A good person doesn’t shy away from difficult conversations or actions, because they understand that doing the right thing sometimes means making hard choices.
Ultimately, the difference between nice and good is rooted in self-esteem and self-worth. When you truly value yourself, you don’t feel compelled to please everyone at your own expense. You know that being a good person involves looking out for your own well-being, as well as others’. It’s about integrity, not just keeping the peace.
When working with clients who default to being “nice” or say everything is “fine,” it’s essential to help them dig beneath the surface and reconnect with their true feelings and values. Here are five tips for coaching people like this:
1. Ask them to explain what “nice” or “fine” really means.
Encourage them to describe these words in their own terms. What do they actually feel when they say “fine”? Often, this opens the door to uncovering deeper emotions they may not even realize they’re suppressing.
2. Challenge them to find synonyms.
Once they’ve defined “nice” or “fine,” ask if they can find other words to describe their emotions or actions. This helps expand their emotional vocabulary and leads to more genuine self-expression.
3. Explore the impact of people-pleasing.
Ask them how being “nice” has shaped their relationships, both personally and professionally. What have they gained, and more importantly, what have they sacrificed by always being agreeable? This can help them see how people-pleasing may be holding them back.
4. Encourage boundary-setting exercises.
Work with them on creating small, manageable boundaries in their daily lives. Start with simple situations where they can say “no” or express a preference, then gradually move to more challenging areas. Practicing this will help them build confidence.
5. Shift focus to self-worth.
Help them explore their own values and self-esteem. What would it look like if they valued themselves as much as they value others? Guide them in developing a sense of self-worth that doesn’t rely on external approval.
By guiding “nice” and “fine” clients to explore their emotions, expand their communication, and strengthen their self-esteem, you’ll help them become not just “nice” people, but truly good people—with both others’ and their own best interests at heart.
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